inthebeginning3

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Date: January 16, 2012 10:07:52 AM EST

To: lindasimmons

Hello,

Rick, the wood shop guy, contacted me. I am planning to go Tuesday. I will probably need to go several times to complete my table and sundry projects.

I hear what you are saying about not living in, and projecting out of a poverty mode, that has passed its time. My decision to stay here until the end of the month has more to do with my budget of desire -- as I am contemplating the move, purchases I might like for the apartment, and a class or two that starts early February are still a possibility. One-two hundred bucks could make the difference between having a class or not.

One other thing, if this works for you ... I have a monthly budget on my phone contract of 300 minutes a month. I can change my plan, of course, but haven't yet. I have about 30 mins left on it for this month. Perhaps, the beginning of February, when I get in my new place, we could do a session?

I feel in a pretty good space right now. Talking with you and getting perspective on what is me and what isn't me in this agitated state has been very helpful, in particular with not burning bridges. It has also made it more apparent for me to be strident in having an avenue for energy release such as the gym, and to more holistically occupy my life.

Curiously, when one of my managers at work was brazenly snappish, I am thinking she may need the same sort of outlet. More on that --- After our talk on the phone, I went to work, and had the opportunity to discuss with another co-worker and a top manager, the behavior and attitude of the snappy manager. I actually walked away from that feeling much better.

In conference, I stated I was in a good place to voice this concern because emotionally, I am not taking it personally, however, in spite of this behavior being an anticipated standard from this person, I didn't think I should normalize the abnormal. It was nice not to feel personally inflicted but for a point of principle, to mention spasms of apparent ill will, as it is not inline with the company protocol or team spirit.

Since then, I am gaining in the spirit of levity at work. Being at ease, playful, in a good mood, delighting in people / customers, translates to the customers too. It is like an invisible break thru. Not one I was really striving for, it just happened, and it is what the work, I think at its highest form, is meant to be: fun, easy!

So far, so good. Expected snow again tomorrow!

Talk soon - let me know what you think about post poning a session. I'll be out of work at 7 tonight, home by 730.

From: Pamela Brock <pamelachristinebrock@loven.com>

Subject: Re: it's moi!

Date: January 20, 2012 9:09:07 AM EST

To: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Hi Angela,

Hopefully our schedules work better next month and we can have you over soon.

Good luck with your move- if you would like some help, let me know!

I'm really happy to hear that you got one of those apartments.

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: table

Date: January 17, 2012 9:14:07 PM EST

To: "Jesse A. Woodman" <jessew@s0.com>

Jesse,

I met with Rick from Rockler today at his shop in Jefferson. This is after I met with Travis that designs for Green furniture on Commercial street.

I wanted to finish my table, you know. Travis would make the cuts and use screws for the assembly.

Rick proposed lap cuts and have my series of boomerang legs lie flush together, with dovetails on the apron.

Rick would provide instruction plus use of his shop... so I decided to go with Rick. Very excited today, we trouble-shooted possilities with a mock-up of the cuts on scrap wood. For the day, most of it was thinking and laying out, and measuring and building mockups to get it right. Then about 30 minutes of saw time. I'm really happy with the results and feeling of progress.

I don't imagine it is easy to walk into a half-way completed project. Rick reviewed what I had done so far, and I have to say, I am very pleased with the solid feedback, and progress.

I plan to go up there next Tuesday... and probably continue as I have a number of projects, and find this instruction / facility very eventful.

I'm writing to let you know. You may be interested per your table. Also, I met Carrie from class at work, and told her about Rick, too, and that I got my money back from Meca. I have to say, it was really awesome to have concerted one on one time with someone trained in solid craftsmanship.

Rick is very economical, too.

Here is the link to his business including the B & B, which you can stay overnight :

http://home.roadrunner.com/~clarylakeban/

http://www.bbonline.com/united-states/maine/jefferson/clarylake.html

http://gallionwoodworks.blogspot.com/2010/10/now-shingles.html

So this is the latest as the table turns,

Hope all is well with you,

Angela

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: details

Date: January 18, 2012 10:52:10 AM EST

To: Cheryl Poulin <cpoulin@avestahousing.org>

Cheryl,

On the 31st, when I meet with you to pick up the keys to my apartment, do I meet you at Avesta or Oakstreet?

Also, What is the address (with zipcode)?

Thanks a lot,

Angela

From: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Subject: RE: details

Date: January 18, 2012 10:59:04 AM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

Hi Angela-

Please meet me at the building, as we will complete a move-in inspection at that time. The address is 72 Oak Street, 04101.

If you are planning to get cable hooked up or some other service through Time Warner, we have a Time Warner sales rep assigned to the building offering free installation and some great deals. I've attached the info on him.

See you on the 31st!

Cheryl Poulin

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: onboard

Date: January 18, 2012 6:32:45 PM EST

To: Andrew Doukas <ajdoukas@the.com>

hello,

all is well. i haven't been here on my days off, but at a wood shop in jefferson. i'll get the money in when the weather and time is willing = soon.

fish haven't replicated yet!

any mermaids?

angela

On Jan 18, 2012, at 4:41 PM, Andrew Doukas wrote:

Hi Angela, hope all is well. Don't forget to put in january rent money. Fish okay? Tell Bill to feed them if you are moving out. Yours, Andy

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: hello

Date: January 18, 2012 11:12:51 AM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Linda,

This is really awesome as per a paradigm shift. I met with Rick at his home/B & B/ wood shop and it was totally fulfilling. I knew it wouldn't be easy for someone to walk into a half completed project, but he dialogued the possible joints we could fabricate for the assembly of the table.

It is really cool because he is grounded in skillful craftsmanship knowledge. He likes traditional furniture, and to make custom items vs replication. I like great design and craftsmanship with a modern twist. He is older an married, about 65, and he and his wife are artistic and travel. I felt very comfortable there. That I could concentrate on my work and not trying to repel backhanded or forward handed efforts to get inside my pants.

We spent most the day dialoguing possibilities, laying out the pieces, making a mockup of cuts on spare wood, finessing a learning curve, for instance, it will be best to hand route and chisel with a back board to get the perfect fit of table legs to apron, with no splintering of the wood... I am just really excited about someone that will take the time to get it right, and it feels like a lot of progress even though for the whole day I made 20 minutes of actually cutting.

He charged me 15 dollars! I gave him 20, and told him I could pay more. Gas was 30 round trip in Andy's car... I plan to go back next Tuesday, and beyond. In my feelings, I feel a way forward. It is nice to work in the country in a spacious work space dedicated to simply doing the work.

My feeling about Rick is he is a truly great, and nice human being. I get the feeling he is talented, well-rounded, and good intentioned. He isn't from Maine but from Kansas, and has been here for about 10 years. I think, in my energy and enthusiasm and "alternative" ideas, I can be a boon to him, too. So, this feels promising and am considering consistent sojourns to be my new undertaking/ tutelage / class.

-----

Last night, I dreamed of the red shoes. This is my 3rd dream, that I know of. I documented 2 of them in a dream journal before I knew what they were. Red shoes represent the Jungian archetype for a woman's creativity / creative life.

My dream last night was simple. I was getting dressed in the morning. I put on a red skirt, which I actually own, but haven't worn for years (it is a little cumbersome to dress in anything other than jeans and a tee, or workout clothes with my current lifestyle and living arrangement, and besides, the joy isn't there beyond self-reflective, and I would question why bother...). But I reached for the skirt in my dream, and then I needed a pair of shoes. I was thinking something flat / sandal, then I wanted the red leather pumps I used to own. I questioned my instinct as the shoes are not practical, yet I really wanted to wear the red shoes, and decided to put them on, was happy, felt right. Then I woke up.

There you go, a new day!

From: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Subject: RE: hello

Date: January 18, 2012 2:33:52 PM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

Re the dreams:

Shoes are symbols of your own personal determination to head in a particular direction. They tend to link to a wish to put a lot of effort into achieving something immediately. Often a lack of shoes shows that you wish you could head in the direction you wish. Also, to dream of red shoes, suggests that you expect news that will surprise you.

And, this is from a dream interpreter in answer to a question from a woman who dreamed of wearing red shoes:

"Well shoes protect us from everyday reality; they are our connection to the ground beneath us and protect us from the sharper or more uncomfortable things that lie in our path. Red itself is a powerful colour. A lot will depend on your feeling about the dream and your feelings about red. Is it passionate to you? Love? Anger?

Red shoes are quite noticeable. Perhaps you are hoping or feeling that you are being noticed in your everyday life? Is there someone you want to notice how well you are coping with things on an everyday basis? The shoes may not have been inappropriate but they were comfy. So perhaps your way of dealing things may not be appropriate but is suits you fine. You find it comfortable."

Lots of stuff there to think about.

Sounds also like a really good connection with Rick. Healing and learning experience!

Linda

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: hello

Date: January 18, 2012 7:13:52 PM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0com>

thanks for the info. i will think on this.

i went to the gym today and have a little headache. i thought at first it was because i needed icecream :) but the ben and jerrys didn't make it better. after looking at my training log, i see i haven't worked out for almost a week so i probably don't need icecream but rest because i may have over did it a bit.

anyway. nothing full blown, just don't want to think intensively as i read your comments.

first blush response: i like dresses. in my spare time i look at diane von fustenberg dresses online. i like the bold graphics, luxurious silk jersey fabric, which gives intense colors, and the straight forward design. i don't live in a place or a way where i have the lifestyle to wear dresses like these. nonetheless, it is what i like and desire and admire.

for me, wearing a dress is a celebration of self, on a daily basis. it is like the ritual of putting on make up, taking care of your skin, being with your features, to celebrate or not to celebrate, moreso for the embodiment of presentation: this is what i like, this is what i want, this is how i want to see myself, this is how i want to be and who i am. in a way, it is my way of doing something fulfilling for myself and in a way, my form of contributing / contribution to something greater than me, or being one with something greater.

the idea of red, while not my best color, but the cherry red skirt works on me, and is just about life! it is an exciting color. i haven't been excited this way to express myself transparently and joyfully for a while.

andy here is my roommate. i also get the distinct feeling he would sleep with me with little perseverance. wants to give me massages etc. subtly -- i am not interested in dressing for andy. i relish the thought and independence to dress for myself. i haven't felt that independence of joy in self sufficient self expression for a long time.

having my own place and own sufficiency is paramount for me being in a relationship that is not a power play, which does not make for a good relationship. i see that is doesn't work and won't work and why. my roommate is a bit of a power position, due to my dog needing a safe haven and me while i feel and gain stability in the working world.

I feel pretty stable now, but i have been bracketing my personality to live here so no, i haven't been fully me here, and if i think about it, long sigh, i am not interested in being chased for some tail. really not, in fact.

to a guy, the opportunity to work in a wood shop with skillful and genuine instruction may seem like something they can get every day. it is not for me, with the addition of supporting work and income on the other end, and a place i can furnish to my liking and am happy to go home too.

i think this is about being happy is self expressing in my self sufficiency. i think my life will be full and i am going to be happy to be me. really happy. and while this has attracted the wrong sort of company in the past to daunt or thwart my energy and intention, i feel knowledgeable, experienced and secure in being able to own and direct my life to my liking. Again, a very long time in coming to assemble all the components to make this system a go!

there are other guys i know that have wood shops and knowledge in it, but i just imagined me asking and going there, and it turning into not about the work, and a big waste of time.

the red can also be about the passion of living passionately.

----

a few nights ago i had a dream about my mother. i was looking back on myself and her and our relationship and how i felt. what was never voiced. i would look at my mother and i didn't want to be like her. i didn't want to look like her. i didn't want to act like her. i didn't want to be reminded that i was of her or resembling her in anyway.

this could be one reason why i crave activity and forward motion and things that occupy my total being. i look in the mirror now, and i don't like my nose as it is my mother's nose, and i see my mother in my nose, and it is going to be there, as a reminder.

nonetheless, this dream was about how i was feeling then, and i can see that now, and give it words. what i saw and discovered in this dream of looking back is that i felt this way because my mom was uncomfortable. she didn't like being herself or where she came from. she didn't like her mother, in the end. i know she felt dealt a low blow after her mom died and didn't leave her anything, when she did "everything for others" and nothing for herself. (she came from a big family as well as my dad, of about a dozen siblings).

i never put my finger on this undercurrent or subtext of our relationship while growing up. i knew i didn't like her at times, and at others thought she was plain evil, confusing when nice, manipulative when thoughtful, obnoxiously self serving when obliging and guilting, etc.

the invisible thread of her makeup was just not liking who she was. my instinct was to run fast and far from that. when i was running, i relaxed and didn't have to think about the psychology that seemed anti-life, for whatever "reason."

---

so, my quest it seems is to be happy with me. it has been a long time coming just to set up the supporting environment for it to exist.

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: next...

Date: January 18, 2012 7:19:54 PM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

next is to be comfortable with it and work it!

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: boomerang table

Date: January 17, 2012 8:39:00 PM EST

To: Linda Gallion

Rick,

I am really excited about today. I appreciate your process of thinking through the mock-ups and possibilities. I'm hoping some of this will accumulate over time as my expanding skill set.

Talk soon, and see you next Tuesday.

Thanks again,

Angela

From: Linda Gallion

Subject: Re: boomerang table

Date: January 19, 2012 7:06:28 PM EST

To: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Hi Angela

I had a thought about your table yesterday, you don't really need the aprons on the ends.

You can use that material for the leg braces and save a lot of work.

Linda and Rick Gallion

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: boomerang table

Date: January 19, 2012 8:14:52 PM EST

To: Linda Gallion

that's cool!

i like the way you think.

--From: Suzanne Louise <x0h0>

Subject: Re: Saturday night Movie at Suzanne's

Date: January 22, 2012 4:52:15 PM EST

To: Angela Cook <fabric8@mac.com>

Hey Angela, We are in the midst of transitioning from Sunday nights to Friday night. With that said we are planning a jaunt down to Boston next Saturday to try to catch Pina in 3D and either A Separation (an Iranian film) or go to an evening performance of Bread & Puppet Theater! I will be in touch later in the week with final plans. We are not sure if Pina 3D will be held over for a 2nd week. We are all crossing our fingers. Looking forward to hanging out with you too! Love, Suzanne

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: count down

Date: January 25, 2012 6:35:40 PM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Hello,

It may be better to wait and start with a new session in a new place.

The reality is now shocking: straight walls! my own bed! a beautiful view with water! My own place! Self-sufficiency as Utopia complete!!!

Rick is excited about the gallery space below, too. He thinks I am an artist and can command big prices for my studio pieces. Not to put the horse in front of the cart, I really enjoy just the process and workable balance. The work as learning, experience, play and expression is fulfilling. I am not thinking of big money as the goal, nor do I want to be harried by that as the main objective.

But, I am interested in designing a collection of, well, a number of things I can show. I feel very positive about this connection. It has me rethinking the art classes around the corner from where I live, as I don't know if I will have time for that and Rick and working out, and work at TJ. Still feeling that out.

However, I have decided to get my car fixed sooner rather than later, as I can drive is this weather (40's and no snow on the ground). Nick, the guy I sew ski straps for has given me a lot of orders in the last week, and there is a good amount in the future, he has already let me know. So, I should have, at the very least, the money to buy the things I need for projects, when I am not working. It is nice that my ambition and opportunity will be matched with my income.

This is going to be such a shock of lifestyle. I don't like being here. I sleep a lot as a survival mechanism. I won't be sleeping to get by at my new place. I should be optimally productive and delightfully restive.

in the beginning we c0nspired f/0/U/r e d0/0r e 2 rest0re as ea /s aye seen suppl/i/ed c0mplete 2 pr0cee d~ act u all y e a st/ate

dec 21, 2017 updating this website, these are notes that were sitting in the draft outside of the website building software frame.

the artists is allowing you to cre"8" art-i-fi-ce- on our valUe c lea r

just like the f/armers b-lighted by the monsanto gree-d- 2- have a store house of law-y-ewers-

while he ten d 2 the lan d as w/ his (h)0ne hand -&- ands up taking a shin-ein-g- for not thinking competitive-ly- (your lie of association, not mine) in 0rientation et tu` be true in trust 2 n0t per ad venture g0 t0 g 0/0d in rust (with the interest you st0le as the cl0th intended -2- c-0ver-t-s0ul e

working the land takes at ten ti on e un di vie di.d. b-u-y-0re-g-raft-e-d -inn-s0le-lents- 20 fl0at 2 the r0-0f of house and sea pallet advancing a c0h0st c0st you all so re fuse to re cog nize w/ the mer it it came 2 your be in your understanding as landed scene lande-d- i quest i 0n e w/e thru an0ther 2 beck 0n e st able w/(h)it ty e t0/0 day T 0n my pate if you press 0/n e me t hat way e

the pate is n0w the plate 2 place "late" in a f0re war D ad vance if fi g. u/re H/as the want 2 re veal am e you pressed 2 relay T

making money on our life without supplying it

art gallery is a farce in theory 2 provide, no money is exchanged and you prowt out loud

the art ist are funded by any one in your assumption as worthy as being seen for something 2 give money you sucke-d from by misrepresentation

charity now -e-b hol-d- thank full if you wnat thr-u-e-in-ste-ad-e-ver-"law-st" if you do not re all y e want to p-lay-2-pate-art--fi-c-i-ally-e-&-p-late-andy which way with any whitch w-t-2-rest-0re- pompously ie did you see d-avid "prayed" to the court that i might pay for the cost of him to take me to c-0ur-t- with n0 0ne pre sent "he" willing ly as with me has 0wn 2 even adjust his thinking 2 kn0w w hat should all ready be re n0un f0re giving just b.c. i am and that means 0me thing albeit b/ran/d/ing in name 0n ly e

pins with h0 are not wt bearing nonetheless yuo do per sist 2 cyst 2 cover up any -e- how-e- nd/ i do question e where 2 just b.c. s0we sayeth me by 0n i f t ye fi re

just as ben is a builder as cause and has been to me, neither can i determine prague 2 be no hi re a matter 2 asp i re just for/t the same sayin apparently spaking 2 every on e and no one apparently 2 go on the clean hands hand and white face s hear t

who amongthese that see-k-2-persecute me for just being 0 pen ly ? who among you is the save i 0r of your incompetencies cene fore every e thing 2-tog-in-n, or be re booted "a-m-is-s-" // you do not have the right to "sow-own" on me this -way-2-and yu do not have the right to treat me t-rite-2-begin-in-your-in your sham shame in ste ad in ten-d-s- an-e-w-ay-e- jsut like i can now take my industry to another venue, like d-avid-chamberlaid-2-.com, an enterprise to show-er-e- asll the squtters with my pr0mises, they wont let me wear on any one i have made provisions without a doubt // i am awere of all the steps taken from the last before ad to the next, and so i now, the ones yu re miss to a miss to missive omission by propr lye mistaken nere in the open to be sen amoong the seeing

_{Haul Lies Prague}_{w/ Re visiOn Eve in/n}

From: Angela Cook <verygoodrace@mac.com>

Subject: oak st. loft

Date: October 27, 2011 1:25:10 PM EDT

To: cpoulin@avestahousing.org

Hello Cheryl,

Thanks for your time today, meeting with you and learning more about the project and protocol of Oak St. Lofts.

The social security form is being sent to me, and shortly I will have a s.s. card for your presentation.

Please let me know if there is anything else you require, in order to be on deck for this project opening.

Thanks and anticipation,

Angela Cook

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Oak St. Lofts

Date: October 31, 2011 10:53:25 AM EDT

To: cpoulin@avestahousing.org

Cheryl,

Good Morning! Over the week, I have made several passes of the Oak Street Loft, and would love to put dibs on apartment #405.

Since this is on a first come/ first serve basis, is there any information you lack, or anything I can do to facilitate this process?

Thanks again,

Angela Cook

From: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Subject: RE: Oak St. Lofts

Date: November 1, 2011 9:14:20 AM EDT

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

Hi Angela-

Thanks for the email. I have been right out straight, but will be focusing on the Oak Street Applications this week. I will let you know if I have any questions.

Best,

Cheryl Poulin

Avesta Housing

Property Manager

307 Cumberland Avenue

Portland, Maine 04101

207.553.7780 ext. 253

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: ss # update

Date: November 9, 2011 10:37:38 AM EST

To: cpoulin@avestahousing.org

Hello Cheryl,

My social security card should arrive in a few weeks. I'll bring it by when I have it in hand.

I hope you have a chance to enjoy the awesome weather.

Talk soon,

Angela Cook

From: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Subject: RE: ss # update

Date: November 9, 2011 12:00:20 PM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

Hi Angela-

What a beautiful day!! Hope you have been able to enjoy it as well.

Thanks for your patience in this process. I am waiting for your rental references, the Vanguard Group info and Nick to send the form back that I sent him. I had spoken with him on Monday and it sounded like he was going to be filling it out and sending back soon, but I haven't seen it yet. Do you happen to have anything recent from the Vanguard Group that shows the cash value of your account and penalty for withdrawing what you have?

Thanks,

Cheryl Poulin

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: novembering

Date: November 9, 2011 6:19:16 PM EST

To: Cook <crnlcook@x0.net>

Hello Dad and Lew,

I am planning to move into a new building, under construction thru mid December. It is subsidized rent, everything included, including internet and covered parking. Ideally, I will be paying what I am paying now, but with my own place with straight walls, as opposed to slanty. And be reunited with my own bed and couch and belongings.

I have been saving for the advent to pay rent and deposit. My plans are to keep saving at this time. So far so good, however, I won't be making it to Utah for Thanksgiving.

Happy Birthday Lew! One Year Cuter!!!

The weather has been in the high 50's and low 60's. A real Fall here in Maine, which means I stay physically fit a little longer.

I hope everything is going well.

P.S. The new building has a community work space, for artists, and gallery space on the first floor for the residence. It is loft style, catered to artist - types. I'm excited about a new place, as a lot of places here can be very sketchy, and not worthy of putting money in to rent. Plus, artistic associations, and since it is subsidized, if I do make money at a later time, I still keep my same low rent. ... Maybe I can make these economic times work for me after all.

love you,

angela

From: Cook <crnlcook@x0.net>

Subject: Re: novembering

Date: November 14, 2011 11:10:26 AM EST

To: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Angela we will miss you.. try for next summer?

love Dad and Lew

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: tango update

Date: November 14, 2011 2:37:18 PM EST

To: arobinson@preti.com

Hello,

Tango and I just finished a little jaunt around town. Like running, only with pee and sniff-stops, for about 1.5 miles. He's chillin on the couch, tail wagging, waiting for me to throw down some kibble.

Angela

From: "Robinsonn, Ann R." <ARobinsonn@preti.com>

Subject: Re: tango update

Date: November 14, 2011 4:34:13 PM EST

To: "'xubrnt@mac.com'" <xubrnt@mac.com>

Hi, Angela,

Thank you so much for the update! That was really thoughtful of you :). I just arrived in Virginia. Please give Tango a hug for me! Thanks, again.

Ann

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: tango update

Date: November 14, 2011 4:42:11 PM EST

To: "Robinson, Ann R." <ARobinson@preti.com>

ok! He is now sprawled out on the bed, in the r and r zone.

best,

angela

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Worms in church. Too cute.

Date: November 14, 2011 3:03:05 PM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Hi,

I go to work at 5 today. Just working, saving money, doing the paper work for the subsidized apartment. The weather is mild here, and I have been wasting some of those days, taking several naps before work.

I think I have a lot of ennui, and part of me definitely wants my own space, with straight walls, so I can think straight! and another part of me is wondering if a move to my own place down the street is going to be enough to stop feeling like I have to resuscitate myself out of ennui ... that I am just tired of Maine and not having money.

Of course, the options in this economy may not be better elsewhere at this time.

Trader Joes is going with the large format stores. Our Portland store is the prototype. They plan to build 150 more in 5 years. There will be opportunity to move with a job. So many people down and out really gets my inner Libra down. I am starting to feel like a Mainer, like it is OK to go without for all your life, and to expect and anticipate as much.

I was working with a girl at work, age 21. She is funny, a little wild, a little emotional / expressive, erratic. While we are working side by side stocking shelves at night, she tells me about the mean things her mom said to her growing up as well as her step dad. How she doesn't believe she will ever get married or wants too.

I expressed how I felt bad that she didn't have something nice from her parents, and she just brushed it off, saying that it was ok, etc. I see myself in her.

Artistically, and getting to know myself, I have been thinking that I should make a quilt for my bed with baldaccino (canopy), and I have been looking at fabrics and quilts online, and even fabric design, and silk painting / dyeing. It is a project, an intimate project, of getting to know myself.

Opportunistically, my enthusiasm wanes as I think of waiting for my next pay check. But, I have a job, etc. Just waiting, which I feel I have done a lot of that, all my life, and doubly so in Maine.

How are you? How is Shannon? Has Cameron moved on from his cigarette jag? How's work, and your real work?

I switched from my smart phone to a dumb phone with consumercellular.com . Sure, I need to check my dumb phone's spelling, but I can text, get my email, and I am on a 300 min per month calling plan, and I am saving a solid 45 a month. It's kind of a big deal, considering my income. It's kind of liberating for a phone to just be a phone, but I still am trying to figure how to configure the settings so it isn't either absolutely silent when I get a call, or beeping all the day and the night if I get an email.

I went for a run today. I am watching my roommates dog for the next couple of days. It is probably good for me to look after something. It got me out the door running.

Let's talk soon,

Angela

From: Linda Simmon <linxo.com>

Subject: RE: Worms in church. Too cute.

Date: November 14, 2011 3:06:53 PM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

What do you mean about the paper work for the subsidized apartment.

With Trader Joe expanding that much, this could be a good thing for you and a way to leave there at some time if that is what you want to do.

Maybe we can talk this weekend?

Linda

From: Linda Simmon <linxo.com>

Subject: RE: Worms in church. Too cute.

Date: November 14, 2011 4:55:40 PM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com

Let’s see how the week goes, but maybe we can talk before you go to work one of those days.

Now I know what you mean, when Cameron was living on his own, he qualified for the same thing, we call it Section 9 housing and he got a substantial discount.

Linda

From: Angela Cook [mailto:xubrnt@mac.com]

Sent: Monday, November 14, 2011 12:56 PM

To: Linda Simmon

Subject: Re: Worms in church. Too cute.

For the subsidized rent, they require all your bank account info, references of past land lords, stock info. I have an IRA with $84 in it. Just a lot of details, like what will be my penalty if I take out the $84.

To me, this is a silly question. It is only $84. that's it. Whatever the penalty will not amount to much over the gain of close to $84. As it is right now, it looks like I am qualified for the 508 a month, everything included (heat, water, electricity, internet, covered parking space!) The next level is 600 and the next is 700.

The doctor for my orthotics had a 6 month follow up appointment that I went to recently. At the time we scheduled the appointment, I asked how much it would be. I was told it was included in the initial visit cost of that day. I went to the follow up. It was 4 mins with my doctor, most of which was him being charming, and they charged me 177.

I was pissed. They said I could call this number at the hospital, and I said that although I earn 9 bucks an hour and that they did not value my time, I would not be using it to chase a discount, and that they can call in my behalf, and i gave back the appointment card for the next 6 months out, because I didn't see the point of their health care.

Bottom line is, besides feeling I walked into a trap (because the subsidized housing people will run a credit check) I am "chasing" a discount. Did you know, that I may qualify for substantial discounts on my medical billing, even less than if I had insurance? With insurance, I pay a 20 co-pay. Being poor, I pay a 10 co-pay for an office visit.

WTF! So, in all the oddness, I may be able to position myself well in this economy due to my lame position in it.

stay tuned ...

This weekend I work at 330 on saturday and 230 on sunday.

yes, moving will become more and more an option with TJ. Work is going well. The last conflict kind of helped me break thru or break down inner barriers / fears I have with difficult customers aka annoying and irrational people. I see my peers having little misgivings here and there about management, and I feel I have taken the more direct and rough and bumpy approach. I feel kind a good at work, and sufficiently secure and satisfied.

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Worms in church. Too cute.

Date: November 15, 2011 12:08:10 PM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linxo.com>

cool!

My roommate is on a cruise, and I take care of his dog a few days. Tango slept in my bed last night. Got comfortable and licked himself, the way Honie would. I thought it was cute and comforting.

I dreamed of Honie last night. She was back ... a leg was too lame to stand on, and I was driving around a Maine-looking town in bleak winter (not very colorful that time of year - only colors of black, grey, and mud and white). I was looking for a vet, to either put Honie down again or fix her leg. I acknowledged that it may be a great cost to fix her leg, but I mentally addressed it and readily prepared to do so. She was back from the dead, after all. I recall asking a guy I work with at work, whether to put her down again, or fix her leg, and he thought it was an omen that she was alive and should stay alive. I told him I felt the same way.

Almost 2 months have passed since she has past, and I feel on a big level, I have a boring, inert life. I think, on some level, that changing the dynamics of it, with the one thing I could, perhaps, Honie's life, might lead to more life. The fact of the matter is, it is still stinking, boring, inert, and friendless re Honie.

This space I have gotten myself into has been a matter of survival, but it honestly isn't very fun. My world is small and I have shut down.

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: flight update

Date: November 16, 2011 12:38:44 PM EST

To: "Robinsonn, Ann R." <ARobinsonn@preti.com>

Excellent.

Tango and I went to the bank. He peed on Bill's building, and every bush, tree and corner on the way there. I think he should be about peed out!

207-318-5241

Angela

On Nov 16, 2011, at 12:34 PM, Robinsonn, Ann R. wrote:

Hi, Angela,

I was able to get an earlier flight home. The departure time is not certain, because the flight is delayed, but I expect to be in Ptld at about 2:30 or 3:00. I seem to have misplaced your phone #. If you get this, please email it to me. Thanks!!

Ann

---

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Date: November 16, 2011 3:03:00 PM EST

To: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

11-16-11

Cheryl,

This is the note per our conversation, and for the Avesta file, that my LLC Living Space has been inoperable for several years. I do not have plans to operate this business.

I do plan to start a new business, manufacturing accessories. However, this business is in the research and design, and feeding stages. I do not anticipate this business to be viable at this time at all.

Trader Joes will continue to be my stable source of income, working max hours, along with intermittent sewing contract work.

Thanks,

Angela Cook

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: new place

Date: November 16, 2011 4:21:39 PM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Hello,

I got the call from Cheryl at Avesta. I am one of 4 people that qualify for the lowest, $506 rent... and I am the third one to pick. The 2 top floor corner units (with sunshine, as the back of the building faces another building) have been selected. These 2 units on the corner are also 7 inches wider, the 20 foot length.

Rather than going down a floor, I took the unit on the 4th floor, next to the corner. Of course, I am re-thinking this now ...

But the good new, minus my confusion, is ... I will be moving into my own place at the beginning of the year!

Angela

From: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Subject: RE: new place

Date: November 16, 2011 4:37:22 PM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

This is great news, more space and your own place!

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Date: November 16, 2011 6:04:39 PM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

That's funny, because in going over and over it, I decided I liked the top floor, too.

Granted a corner unit with a wee bit more space would be more ideal, but I think I would feel a little on exhibit from the 3rd floor down, due to the building across the street and what you can see at street level looking into the apartment.

I like the idea of an open feel with the big windows, however I like them for me looking out and not for others looking in. Basically, If you turn on a light in the living area, your bed, couch closet, living space, and possibly the galley kitchen is exposed.

I think I would feel more comfortable at night with the light on, and not providing for curtains.

The 4th floor windows are above the building across the street.

I'm going to go for 406. It is the second one in from the farthest corner of the building as rendered.

The 3rd floor corner unit -- I might go for, If I wanted to be popular. It is very interactive with passerbys, and the 2nd floor, they may as well be inside the place with you. Of course, curtains are an option, but my design aesthetic is less is best. I like clean lines and minimalism for structure.

The window with the view is an aesthetic feature for me. Not one to be covered up because I am paranoid about who might be looking in. Make sense to you?

Choices and decisions. I didn't want to seem like I was bugging people at the jobsite and what not, or seem like I am placing too much importance on which unit -- but I want to be happy there.

I am hoping that I either move up and out from this place (Avesta has more options) or a biz idea may turn profitable and go a more individual direction, or that I can make this place work and feel comfortable and grounded, secure and safe, and like the modest luxury of a well designed abode (I greatly miss a few nice thing, and not living with windows that have not been framed since they were put in 20 years ago, holes in the wall, etc. My inner Libra wants a voice, as the point has been basic survival for me and my dog, and I haven't been looking at things that bug the Libra in me, but now, I can feel them out, and I can't wait to move into a new place!!!)

So, the other direction is that I like where I live and perhaps, I can make living in Maine also fulfill me.

Meca, the art school is a stone's throw away. I am closer proximity to work and the gym. Probably 3/4 of a mile to go to work, maybe less.

Bums on Congress St, where I live now, and is the street that Oak Street intersects, still bother me as a real downer. Just tired of seeing it, the down and out, so much. The drunkness and blithering idiot conversations, and high noon. Really fat and sloppy and helplessly hopeless people with no teeth in their heads.

Maybe my self-styled sanctuary can make up for this. Maybe after I get my feet on the ground, in a nice, maintainable way, I will want a dog... But right now, this seems like it will be workable and I can unencumber my life.

I've been really depressed in this space. I have a lot of ideas, but walking on the knees and hunching under my table to find art supplies, and hitting my head, is just so annoying. I don't get anything accomplished, or very slowly. I can't wait to give my life design good design :)

From: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Subject: RE: lease

Date: December 22, 2011 1:43:39 PM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

Hi Angela-

Yes, we will meet to sign the lease. Did you receive the letter regarding the timing of moving in? It can be anywhere between the 20th and the 31st? I would need to know a date to print up all the lease paperwork. When would you want to meet to do the paperwork?

Happy Holidays!!

Cheryl Poulin

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: lease

Date: December 22, 2011 2:35:29 PM EST

To: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Hello Cheryl,

Let's meet January 6th, somewhere in the 10-12:00 vicinity. I'll confirm my move in date early January. If my schedule stays the same, I'll probably pick my day off / the 24th, as the start date.

Thanks!

Angela

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: hi and thank you

Date: December 24, 2011 10:43:07 AM EST

To: Dina Skrabalakk <dinaskrabalakk@kwrealty.com>

Hello,

Avesta housing has the details online. Yeah, they look cool! :)

Happy Holidays, too!

On Dec 24, 2011, at 9:02 AM, Dina Skrabalak wrote:

Thanks, Angela! Oak Street lofts? Are those the new ones downtown? What can you tell me about them? Who qualifies? I don't know anything about them and they look coooool! Happy holidays!

Dina

Keller Williams

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: just another Day

Date: January 6, 2012 1:22:21 AM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Hello,

I decided to move in Jan 31st instead of the 24th. They would like to have people pay rent to start sometime in late January. Although I really don't want to be here, waiting a week will save me over a hundred dollars, and there will be things I need for the apartment, so I can justify the wait.

Still can't wait, though!

I started moving stuff out of my little space into the community living space, now that my roommate is gone. It is a feeling of drudgery and revitalization, and breath! This is a process, and I understand it is going to be -- between what has been gathered here, and projects and interests that have gathered dust, and what goes to Andy's basement, and what comes from Andy's basement, and getting my new apartment just right, and making decisions on what I don't need, and need to get rid of.

Just moving a little bit out of my room has helped me breath and cope better. The physicality of this space has practically shut me down. While walking to work today, I allowed myself to think and feel how it would be if I didn't get to move into this apartment. I would probably cry, and need to take sleeping pills again to cope. (I stopped about 10 days ago).

Curiously, the anticipation of moving and my own place has caused me an influx of creative ideas. I've been jotting them down. Just prolific. While I am awake, and while I am asleep. P.S. I also notice my memory is going. Frequently at work, I walk into the backroom and forget what for. And, I forgot one of my ideas for a halloween costume, just the other day. All I remember is that I thought it was a good idea!

(Seriously, if I don't write it down, right away!...)

I don't want to begrudge my roommate. He has been a decent friend and helper. I am just able to feel me better now, what I want and what I like and my ambitions, and what I need to live at my highest roi (return on investment). I sleep a lot here, and it is no big question to me why I do, because I can.

Any movement outside of that practically overwhelms me. I stumble on my shoes to walk to my bed. I have to contort under the table and span my shoes with an outstretched body on the floor to turn on a little space heater. I can't cope with the clutter and the arrangement of walls and spaces I hit with my body and can't be straight forward with, without annoying repercussion at every turn.

This has been a major act of patience and maybe grace, in constantly putting this feeling of ***blankety-blank-blank-blank aside, again and again and again, and going to work, working out, and sleeping, and staying in an amenable and mellow medium middle, emotionally speaking.

But now, the sleeping giant has awakened, and I feel a little raging inside. Probably from stuffing my life, and like a damn, the pressure pushing on the wall of my ambition to OPEN The Floodgates!!! and go and flow, and do not stop and do not be peachy keen to anyone in my personal space if I do not want too, and to set my life up to Own it! (There will be no slanty walls in my future).

The raging I feel with my roommate, even though I do not want to begrudge him, is that there are undertones of him wanting me to be intimate with him. Maybe of him not seeing me, like he thinks I like to live with my stuff all close to me, with no room to walk, and not that I do not have room in the space alloted to live upright, in any dimension or position. I think I want to be free from his psychology.

In this anticipated change, I will probably see, more inadvertently, how he has colored my own life, psychology, and decisions, re Honie.

Honie made it bearable here. I could hold her. But we were both stagnant, and she because of me. Part of me probably put her down, to some degree, to try to change this lack of growth, and belief in self. It is not wholly fair or right. I, of late, have let those around me determine my fate, thinking, the way they think is reflective of the way people at large think.

Anyway, Andy my roommate didn't like Honie. Again, she is not in her element in an apartment or on a leash. She is amazing and intuitive. I still feel badly that I gave that up. I did believe it was a correct decision of circumstance, but if I could change the circumstance, keeping her would be the correct decision.

So now I move into a place that doesn't allow dogs. I get this step forward, a nice place, everything paid for, community of people I hope to like and engage with, rent stability, a creative environment, and much needed privacy to Be Me and ONly Me! ... I am already seeing how much I was influenced by Andy my roommate.

I feel bad that I was / am in this position. A sacrifice was made in the hopes, I guess, of moving forward. Being independent of thought and personal space and financially -- is arriving at point-one of living my life complete. I can't say that I want to do things with my roommate now that I have my own space. In fact, I think it will be easy to forget about him without even trying to do so. He views this as a relationship of merit, and I am more like I laid my head here as with my dogs. He thinks he knows me, but he only knows me in the sense of getting by, and I don't want to know him better, or beyond this arrangement.

I don't feel guilt about my indifference towards him, when I check myself how I really feel. I am just acknowledging it. I really feel indifference. There is so much in my life I want to do. I don't want to talk about my "hopes and dreams" to anyone, ie to someone that is only taking a superficial interest so they can work their way into my pants, I just want to be about living what moves me.

After I move to my own place, Andy D will probably try to initiate some contact. Already he has talked about seeing my place when he get back from his cruise.

I have to say, by and large, I really do not want a boyfriend, and I do not want a sex buddy. And, I don't think there is anything wrong with me. While, in the past, I questioned if that may be so. I just so badly want to live my life, passionately.

A stupid chump, a resourceful womanizer, and new age narcissist, and a person fraudulently proud of their lack of accomplishment -- these are not people I want in my space, figuratively or literally. It's weird, but getting together with someone is not my priority, but being truthful to me. And truthfully speaking, I don't need just anybody or everybody. And I am Way OK with that.

Maine hasn't wholly given me me in the 10 years I have been here. Job stability, social and emotional joy in my work place, creative tutelage and opportunity, my own place I take delight in and which I can afford >>> this is just the beginning of learning and growing and being me. And, belatedly, I think this is my first sound opportunity for me to be me, well, outside of being an athlete when I had a scholarship.

I am on the brink of tasting and desiring that same focus and ambition and independence and owning my life as I did then. I know I am just moving into an apartment, but it really is more than that, with all the other resonating and contributing considerations present and viable and workable.

Finally!

From: "Jesse A. Woodman" <jessew@sc0pe.com>

Subject: Re: Woodworking Classes

Date: September 20, 2011 10:18:13 AM EDT

To: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Did you ever finish your project?? Or talk to MECA?? I'm starting a Jew

Jewelry class today and thought about going in and talking to them.

Jesse A. Woodman

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Woodworking Classes

Date: September 20, 2011 10:40:44 AM EDT

To: "Jesse A. Woodman" <jessewdmn@s0.com>

Jesse,

My roommate, a lawyer, is writing the letter. He thinks asking for a credit to take another class is the favorable way to go. We are so close to drafting it and sending it... just a lot of drama in his own life: great aunt died / moving her belongings, estate sale, and now his girlfriend is going in for heart surgery (today), and found out yesterday...

I will send you a copy of what I send Meca. I haven't signed up for another class yet, and I haven't finished my project :(

I am thinking of talking to the people where Martin's did his woodworking, or Rick that I met thru Rockler.

Jewelry making feels like a natural aesthetic articulation for you. I like the way you pair colors and shapes in the way you dress and present yourself.

Have you finished your project?

Talk soon,

Angela

From: "Jesse A. Woodman" <jessewdmn@so.com>

Subject: Re: Woodworking Classes

Date: October 15, 2011 3:20:56 PM EDT

To: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Any luck with a refund??

Jesse A. Woodman

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Woodworking Classes

Date: October 16, 2011 1:13:22 AM EDT

To: Jesse A. Woodman <jessewdmn@s0.com>

Yes!

360 for the class, not the studio fee. I talked with Sara in continuing studies about my letter. She said she was trying to unsuccessfully get in contact with our teacher to learn of the evaluations ... I elaborated on my experience in the class, and said no one finished their project / one guy (dave) that got it to the point of assembly. Also spoke of a couple of us arranging to meet our instructor outside of class, but he evaporated.

Good luck! If you get your money back, you can put it towards finishing your project, you know!

Angela

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Woodworking Classes

Date: January 3, 2012 7:40:24 PM EST

To: Linda Gallion <x0.com>

Hello Rick,

Nice seeing you today. I can't wait to start and complete these projects, per your availability.

You can contact me via email, or phone or text: 207-318-5241.

Thanks,

Angela

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: living area

Date: January 1, 2012 11:48:59 PM EST

To: Cheryl Poulin <cpoulin@avestahousing.org>

Hello Cheryl,

Happy 2012!

Would it be possible to get in a unit like mine, and get exact dimensions for the living area?

Inches count regarding the placement of furniture.

Thanks a lot,

Angela

From: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Subject: RE: living area

Date: January 4, 2012 2:09:44 PM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

Hi Angela-

Happy New Year!! Any chance you can come to the building on Saturday a little before 2pm? We are having another Open House until 2pm, so thought if you came at the end, it would be quiet/slow enough to let you look.

Also, have you decided on a move-in date? I need to know this in order to print up your lease documents for our appointment on Friday. I would need to know by noon tomorrow.

Thanks,

Cheryl Poulin

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: living area

Date: January 4, 2012 2:43:38 PM EST

To: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Hello Cheryl,

I go to work Saturday at 1:30. Would it work at 1, or another day... Also, do you know the height of the ceilings?

I am waiting to here back from another person's schedule, that is contingent upon mine. They told me they would email their schedule today. Then I will know for sure which days I will have off in January.

If necessary, can I email you the move in date late tonight / early tomorrow?

The building is looking very stylish. I walked by a few nights ago, on my way back from work.

Talk soon,

Angela

From: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Subject: RE: living area

Date: January 4, 2012 4:42:31 PM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

Hi Angela-

Letting me know tonight or tomorrow morning is fine. Since 1pm will be right in the middle of the Open House, I'd prefer to schedule a different day. It would have to be next week during lunchtime when the construction workers break. What's your schedule like next week?

Best,

Cheryl Poulin

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: living area

Date: January 5, 2012 9:01:04 AM EST

To: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Hello Cheryl,

I would like to move in on the 31st of January.

See you tomorrow at 10am.

I'll let you know my availability to see the apartment at noon, during the week, then

Thanks!

Angela

--From: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Subject: RE: living area

Date: January 5, 2012 11:04:21 AM EST

To: 'Angela Cook' <xubrnt@mac.com>

Sounds good. See you tomorrow.

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Shop Schedule

Date: January 8, 2012 10:22:12 PM EST

To: Linda Gallion <x0.com>

Hello Rick,

I can meet you Tuesday the 10th (is that the date you meant instead of "Tue 2/9," as written?), and the Tuesdays thereafter.

The width of the legs for the table is about 7/8", and so is the wood for the frame. Is this wide enough to route into, so the legs lay flush when assembled?

There is a picture frame I want to make, so I can use this wood originally for the table for that, and get more wood if need be.

Anything else I should plan to get / bring?

I will be borrowing a friend's car, and the soonest I can arrive is 11 am, or shortly thereafter. I am able to work to 3 or 4:00 pm, depending upon my friend's schedule.

How much money should I plan to bring to pay for you for you experience and instruction?

Thanks a lot,

Angela

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Tuesday

Date: January 9, 2012 10:00:10 PM EST

To: Cheryl Poulin <cpoulin@avestahousing.org>

Cheryl,

My schedule has changed again and plan to meet you Tuesday at noon at Oak Street.

Thanks, and see you then,

Angela

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Monday

Date: January 9, 2012 8:22:01 PM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Hi,

My schedule has been subject to change lately, but I am scheduled with Wed. off, and Sat. 430-12, and Sun 11-630.

I'm kind of ticked off with the woman that Andy has come and go (a few times a week, it seems) while he is on his cruise. One of his girlfriends.

I am taking stuff out of my cramped room and spreading out downstairs in preparation to move, and to deal with living in this small space. I had a pan that I used to make french toast. She put it in the sink for me. I feel it is a titty move. This is not her place. And, I pay rent here.

Consequently, with my strong gut reaction, I dirtied the pan and put it right where I left it. Equally titty, I acknowledge. Just feeling a little cramped in my personal space. I feel like she is judging me.

I buy my water. She marvels at that. I bought a filter. I set it up. She inquired about that. I just find that annoying. The last thing I want to do in my own space and place is have someone walk in on me in my pj's and turn on a people-pleasing mode.

This is the same person that was with Andy and thought my dog was not a good pet, when really, she is brilliant and intuitive.

Just so tired of having to true down to make good aka I am tired of some of my "friends."

Where do I want my life to go: expansion. I've had the opportunity to work out a lot of juju regarding the public by working at TJ. I am back to being a social libra, and am comfortable in a public setting. I'm making some headway. I would like to be ambitious now, vs feel like being ambitious but being backwards because I find thwart public success. I think I am more comfortable in my skin. I've been tested a little bit, have a little confidence and security in my abilities and place in this world. Just ready to be a whole lot more. And ready for some more interesting people in my life, and preferably just to poverty stricken ones.

Tired of the paradigm.

Let me know what works best for you.

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Sunday night movie. . .

Date: January 15, 2012 1:23:35 AM EST

To: Suzanne Louise <s.com>

Suzanne,

What time are you starting movies. I may be able to come Sunday.

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Tues

Date: January 16, 2012 9:45:00 AM EST

To: Linda Gallion <x0.com>

Rick,

Should I get more wood? The wood for the apron of the table is the same width as the legs. We spoke of routing the apron so the legs would lay flush.

I think the earliest I can be at your shop is 11am. I will let you know if I can come earlier. Otherwise, I will plan to see you tomorrow, if that works for you.

Thanks, Angela

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: units

Date: November 17, 2011 8:41:46 AM EST

To: Cheryl Poulin <cpoulin@avestahousing.org>

Good Morning, Cheryl.

I am of 2 minds about unit 406 or 305. I recognize the units are small, however it appears the corner units have about 7 more inches width. The 4th floor, of course has more privacy and I imagine a bit of a view.

If you were me, would you choose 406 or 305. Are there other considerations that you may know about this place?

Thanks,

Angela

On Nov 17, 2011, at 10:35 AM, Cheryl Poulin wrote:

Hi Angela,

You are funny! Since I haven't been inside the building yet, I don't have any words of wisdom to offer to help you make your selection. I will be getting a tour tomorrow and can let you know what I see.

Cheryl Poulin

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: units

Date: November 17, 2011 10:40:25 AM EST

To: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Awesome!

(I don't always pride myself on being funny:)

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Thanks!

Date: November 23, 2011 12:49:36 AM EST

To: Nick Kline <innfo@skitie.com>

cool Nick!

glad these worked, and well :)

Happy T day~

On Nov 22, 2011, at 4:21 PM, Nick Kline wrote:

FYI

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: jamie schectman <sheckys@mountainridersalliance.com>

Date: November 22, 2011 4:17:40 PM EST

To: Nick Kline <innfo@skitie.com>

Subject: Thanks!

Hi there,

We received the fat ski straps, they are awesome.

Thank you, Jamie

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Thanksgiving

Date: November 22, 2011 12:39:34 AM EST

To: Michael Cook <treknmike@h0eweg0t0g.com>

Hello,

It has been almost 60 degrees here, although we are supposed to get a bit of snow tomorrow. So unlike Maine, which usually has no Fall.

Glad you made it safely. I was surprised to hear that it was snowing there. That's always intense going over Donner Pass.

Yes, I received news. I am the 3rd person to qualify and pick my apartment. The 2 corners on the top floor were taken, so I took a top floor, next to a corner, with a view of the bay. Dec 3rd we can do a walk thru of an apartment, but they are still building the building, which should be finished by January.

I have yet to sign a lease and rent up, but I have no reason to suspect that anything is other than I will be moving in. It is about a 430 sqf place, deep closet and storage space, one large (about 8 foot long by 5) window, open format studio. Heat and everything included, plus internet, covered parking, for $508 a month.

Geared for artists, it has a community work room on the second floor and gallery retail space on the street level, that only people that live at that location, can show their work.

I got your present, and thanks! It is under my bicycle, in lieu of a Christmas tree at this time.

Give Dad and Lew, et al, a hug.

Love you, and glad you arrived safely.

Keep up the good work!

Angela

From: Michael Cook <treknmike@h0eweg0t0g.com>

Subject: Re: Thanksgiving

Date: November 22, 2011 9:33:23 PM EST

To: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Ang,

That is so cool you got a new place and what a deal at $508/month. I

am very excited to learn the news. Wish I was closer and I'd help you

move in. So, it was a good call on your part not to come to Utah so

you can rent up.

I like the present under the bike. Cute.

Dad and I went to Hell's Backone Grill for Breakfast. You know it's

my fav place and I told Dad that's all I want for Christmas. Then I

went for a short hike along the Fremont River before I returned home

to work on Dad's computer. His screen keeps going black. I think

it's a video card problem.

Tomorrow I want to go on a long hike. The weather here is perfect....

sunny with high's in the 50's. Thursday is shot and Friday Lew wants

to go to Richfield. Saturday I'll start heading home.

Send pics of your new bldg and place when you can. I want to see the progress.

Take care, Love, Mike

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: vanguard

Date: November 16, 2011 3:47:44 PM EST

To: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Cheryl,

I just spoke with the construction workers, and they talked me into the 4th floor.

If 405 isn't available, I would like #406.

Please let me know if there is anything else you need. I dropped the signed letter regarding my LLC and future start up business.

I'll be there Dec 3rd (unless I am working) and can't wait to move in! Speaking of which, do you know when that might be?

Also, I am ready to rent up when you are.

Thanks again,

Angel

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: vanguard

Date: November 18, 2011 12:19:06 PM EST

To: Nick Kline <innfo@skitie.com>

Thanks Nick.

PS Cheryl approved me, and I am the 3rd to pick a unit. The top corner units were taken, so chose a top floor with the view of the bay. Pretty happy about it! I really cannot wait to have straight walls.

Slanty walls can be charming and cozy, but not for your complete living space!

Probably move the beginning of the year.

On Nov 18, 2011, at 12:14 PM, Nick Kline wrote:

Angela - FYI.

Nick

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Nick Kline ‪<innfo@skitie.com>‬

Date: Tue, Nov 15, 2011 at 6:12 PM

Subject: Re: vanguard

To: Cheryl Poulin <CPoulin@avestahousing.org>

Cheryl - here you are.

Nick

On Tue, Nov 15, 2011 at 2:45 PM, Cheryl Poulin ‪<CPoulin@avestahousing.org>‬ wrote:

Thanks Nick!!

Cheryl Poulin

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Email Address

Date: December 19, 2011 12:39:57 AM EST

To: Mike Cook <treknmike@h0eweg0t0g.com>

Mike,

Winter has just begun, with temperatures in the 30's. No snow on the ground, which is nice. I have been running and biking outside up until yesterday. Go to the gym. With cold weather coming several months late, it means I have been less inclined to hibernate.

Working at TJ is actually pretty physical, and going to the gym is mandatory for me so I don't get injured. There is a lot of lifting and running around. I really can eat whatever I want, whenever. The gym just helps me focus with a full range of motion. I'm infamous for my 10 minute workouts. I get great results from a little investment: pick a body part until it is exhausted. Bye-bye gym.

Occasionally, I stay longer. I have discovered walking backwards on the treadmill with an incline. It burns out your quads. I don't get as bored as I would if I were staring at the time or trying to distract myself from the time withe the tv. I am told it puts a nice hump on your butt, too. It is also good for my patella tracking / chondramalacia sp? -- which I developed in college, which is the wearing away of your bursa sack in the knee, the thing that cushions.

The great thing is, though, I have continued to be active, do straight leg lifts (as my hamstrings were stronger than my quads, which is what caused it) and it hasn't gotten worse, through all these years and miles. The backwards walking and running also helps this condition.

Can't wait to move.... Still no word on when that may be exactly.

When do you take off to Thailand?

Angela

From: Mike Cook <treknmike@h0eweg0t0g.com>

Subject: Re: Email Address

Date: December 19, 2011 11:20:44 AM EST

To: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Excellent Angela! I sure am glad we are both healthy and in shape for our age. Compared to many others, we rock.

I was hoping you had a move in date. I keep thinking about your good fortune and am very happy you were selected. Keep me posted.

Leaving for Thailand Dec 31. I'm ready to go.

Mike

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Email Address

Date: December 21, 2011 12:16:34 PM EST

To: Mike Cook <treknmike@h0eweg0t0g.com>

Hello,

The move in date in Jan 20 give or take a couple of days. I just got a letter informing me of when the contractor thinks the building will be ready to occupy. Can't wait!

How's Handy? I loved his/ her (?) cute little bunny butt!

From: Mike Cook <treknmike@h0eweg0t0gl.com>

Subject: Re: Email Address

Date: December 21, 2011 8:54:59 PM EST

To: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Ang - Great news knowing you have a move in date. It's less of an

unknown now and you have a target.... Jan 20. Cool! You'll have to

send some pics once you're moved in and settled.

Handy is doing fine. Still does NOT like long car trips, especially

when there are rumble strips in the highway. But she loves hiking and

always wears a smile. I love her little "propeller butt" too. That

little tails just goes back and forth a 1000 beats a minute every time

she greets. She's a good girl. When I pet her or snuggle in bed with

her, it's calming.

Stay out of trouble and Merry Christmas. Mike

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Friday

Date: December 17, 2011 1:13:50 AM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Hello,

I was thinking about you as I got home tonight and was surfing the internet, and then there is the email in my in-=box.

I'm doing well. Andy is getting very excited about his Christmas party he is hosting for extended family at his house. He wants to use my dishes and silver ware (he only has plastic restaurant utensils).

Ironically, my silverware set was a BIG issue with him when we lived together and a huge point of contention. I don't know why. Just something for him to fixate on and be mean. I guess it was because I was particular about it. It has a frosted area on the handle, so you don't jumble it in the bottom of the sink, just treat it like nice silverware.

Anyway, I vaguely remember his tirade as I am getting it from the basement, you know. I have to say, in spite of remembering, I am in good spirits. It really helps not to be sleeping with this person and intwined in their life so that their attitude and aptitude determines yours in a way.

He doesn't stop trying, though, for sex as friends.

I sleep a lot in my slanty walled abode. And when I think I can do something in this time before I move, I just end up feeling overwhelmed in my cluttered, cloistered space, and I take a nap. I am going to the gym regularly, and getting outside to exercise (it is still nice enough). That helps tremendously with my attitude and coping skills.

I have been reflecting on what I was looking for when I moved here, and it was a place to lay my head, and honie's too. My needs and wants have changed, and I am really outgrowing this place.

What is weird is when you live with someone, even contractually, I notice now that I will be moving, that I can sense and feel consciously the things that Really Bug me. Apparently there is a lot.

I try to be honest with myself and reckon that I am just pushing against this arrangement because I cannot wait for the new one. However, along with that, there are things I just don't like, particularly aesthetically.

I guess I am out of survival mode if my desire for aesthetics reveals itself as a necessity in my life. I cannot wait, and can only still imagine how it is going to be to be reunited with my belongings, where everything has a place, and I do not have to convolute my frame to access it, or tread on my knees or bang my head, never gingerly.

It is going to be great to have a fully operational life. And to cook again. And privacy. My own place. Sigh!

----

Today I narrowly avoided a customer complaining about me, because I walked away.

It was a woman in a handicapped cart. She pulls up on the other side of the register and starts to put the items on the counter between us where I can reach and scan them, then takes a phone call, and talks for 3 or 4 minutes. After 30 seconds, I put the baskets away and come back. There are lines of customer at every register except mine, because it is stalled with her talking on the phone. I try to talk to her, but she is talking loudly, and I sigh in frustation, because I can't take anyone else either, that would like to be rung up. It doesn't sound like her conversation is going to end soon, so I go gather other register baskets. When I come back she has pulled out of my register, then starts squawking that I am there or not.

I cringe. Other customers are trying to help her, probably not privy to her park and stall conversation -- there is some conversation about going to another register, and I just said nicely/meekly/genuinely that I would recommend that (thinking / feeling, I am not the person for this job per this person).

I think she was a old lady that is disabled, and used to everyone revolving around her, in hind sight. She sure does act like the world should revolve around her.

I can't wait to move. I am raring ambitiously to get my live going, and I can't wait! But waiting is prudent. My roommate leaves Jan 4 thru Feb 15 on a cruise. I will have Jan to myself. This will help for me to have a little more space.

I think I need privacy for me to be me, not so much to be authentic as to fill my space. And, I think this comes from growing up in a household and not trusting my guardians to do their job ethically or with a measure of good will. I think I hold back, as a natural defense mechanism. I really am ambitious, and just can't wait to feel safe and able to operate on all cylinders in my life. To feel I can really go for it, and not feel undermined by someone "close" to me. To do what makes me happy and not feel that someone is going to read that as diminishing their happiness.

I'm anxious to excel. It has been a terribly long time. And some windows are closing ie my ankles ... I have to pick how to be athletic and have an active lifestyle.

My work schedule is 430 -12 for the next few days.

How are things with you? Shannon's coming home at Christmas, right? That will be here soon!

talk soon,

Angela

From: Angela Cook <xubrnt@mac.com>

Subject: Re: Friday

Date: December 21, 2011 12:56:54 PM EST

To: Linda Simmon <linx0.com>

Hello!

TJ has been busy during the holidays, and I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I have today off and Christmas day this week.

After I sent you the last email re the latest, I started to think and miss Honie a lot! Crying at night. I still waver between putting her down when I did, or waiting. Things that have occurred to me is my own self esteem at the time. I have to say, it is certainly better, thinking I can change and upgrade my world with the acceptance of occupancy at Oakstreet. Ironically, of course, dogs are not allowed there, so this upgrade is not one I could make with Honie.

It is just, in the circumstance, I didn't see anything viable with moving to a more expensive / not very nice place to call my own, that I don't like. There are a lot of place to rent here that are trashy, and make no sense. A new building, I anticipate, is not one of them.

It is just, I feel empowered now with the opportunity, and I think back, that I didn't feel empowered then. So my decision was a reflection of me, my state of being and expectation.

It "traditionally" falls expectantly low if it involves other people. I didn't try to have any one take care of Honie, or if they would want her .. I didn't think anyone would care or find value in her the way I did.

I have to say, I think she is so remarkable and intelligent. The day I put her down, I was at the kitchen table watching tv, drinking my chai tea, and Honie was trying to engage me, staring at me in anticipation, wagging her tail unceasingly, with little stammers of her feet. Often I will scoop her up and put her in my lap, and she is fine with that, and likes my body heat. That day, she adamantly climbed into my lap. In her blind strength, she found her place, and rested there.

I think back, and it was like making a connection. She rested there when I picked her up in New Jersey and drove back with her to Maine. She sat there as she grew bigger, behind the steering wheel, with me looking over her head so I could see the road. It wasn't until on onlooker looked at us with surprise that I thought maybe Honie had got too big to be sitting on my lap while driving. So, I put her on the seat next to me, and she put her paw on my thigh.

I miss my constant companion.

I was walking home the other night, and there was a guy walking a very large saint bernard. I was watching the crotchety gait of the dog, and asked the owner if the dog had arthritis. The owner said it did. I acknowledge you love your pets while you have them, but I can also see, the zest of living recedes, as the gait stiffens, so to speak.

I could see I put Honie down near top form, despite her blindness and stroke issues that she recovered easily from.

I regret we didn't go to the park this last year, as we have done in years past. I can rationalize I "saved" Honie from interminable blind boredom, as we weren't going to the park. But had I taken her to the park, that activity alone would light up her day. I regret that I let this bleak economy and weather forecast undermine the strength within, so see what is important.

I do, still feel I have been influenced by those around me. I haven't felt safe enough to be enterprising outside the fold of my physical associations.

Bottom line, Honie is gone. I anticipate my life is upgrading in place with the move to Oakstreet. I feel it is a place I need to be. Still given the economy, my life is workable in this circumference of pedestrian access to work, recreation, school. It is a way forward. And perhaps with the community of artistic associations. I miss Honie and I miss having a dog.

My life was stagnating here, with Honie, and it was Honie's fault. It was me. I feel bad that I didn't see a way for us to move forward in delight together.--